


Without You

by ceria



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-13 01:41:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4502901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceria/pseuds/ceria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Initial Prompt: Coulson lied and hid the fact that was alive post-movie. When the truth is revealed, Clint is very upset. Clint has trust issues and this just made them so much worse. Phil realized that he's not going to get anywhere convincing Clint to open his heart. So he decided to go for the sexual seduction angle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Posting old Lj/Avenger Kink prompt fic in order to get my stuff in one place. This was written years ago so it's definitely not AoS or AoU compliant.

Clint watches Loki and Thor fade away with the light and nothing remains inside him except the clawing darkness. Fury had called him aside that morning, telling Clint what had happened to Coulson with hesitant words. He's gentle, kinder than Clint would have given him credit for, and it was appreciated. Phil was his friend as well as colleague and Fury was one of the few who knew how much Clint love… how much… knew what they were to each other.

Natasha finds him four days later, eating something he doesn't remember buying, and sitting beneath an orange and white umbrella, staring at the scattered drawings and bouquets of flowers that appear every morning. At least five different people glance at Natasha but she's drawn her hair up in a French twist and the layers of running clothes she has on help disguise just how slender she truly is. 

No one has glanced twice at Clint. Well, except for the blond woman on her way to work every morning but he's not interested in flirting right now. If ever again. So he stares at the flowers and lets her draw her own (truthful) conclusion about how he lost someone in the recent battle. 

"There's a mission if you're interested," Nat tells him, taking his cold coffee from his hands, finishing it, "In Turkey."

"Never been there," Clint responds and Natasha smiles at him. She gets him so well sometimes.

"Let's go make some new memories," she whispers, holding out her right hand. 

Iron Man stays in New York and they're not really a team yet so Clint doesn't mind not working with Tony. Steve accompanies them on a few missions and Clint watches with detached interest as Captain America learns how to adjust to this decade. He refuses to talk to Steve outside of mission parameters, mostly because the Phil living in his head, who doesn't know the real Phil is dead, carries on like an excited teenager whenever Rogers is close. 

Clint kind of hates that.

Natasha keeps in contact with Tony and Bruce via cell phones and hands the phone over to Clint when there's a question about any of his arrow heads. Clint likes talking to Tony (and the fact that it shuts up Phil-in-his-head is nothing but a bonus) and they slowly get to know each other. 

Steve never seems to mind after Natasha pulled him out of the room to talk to him. Clint suspects she told him a few truths about Coulson and Phil-and-Clint that he never could share. 

They work in five different countries before returning to American soil. Tony is waiting outside of SHIELD for them with a small data pad. "Hands, please, and state your name and some sort of long sentence," he says and Clint pushes his deep into his pockets. 

"Why?"

"Because JARVIS needs to record your biometrics, as well as your voice patterns, so he can give you access to my tower."

"Why?" Natasha asks and Clint is glad she doesn't know either. He'd thought it was just another conversation he'd tuned out over the past few months.

"Unless you want to live on the premise," Tony shudders as he glances up at SHIELD HQ, "or return to your old, probably expensive, apartment? I'm providing free room and board to our team."

Clint hasn't checked the state of his bank account in over six months. For all he knows, Phil's life insurance policy has been deposited already and it's not like he cares either way. Phil took care of the bills, not Clint. But Tony Stark said 'our team' and Clint has recovered enough to remember what was in Stark's file prior to all of this: volatile, self-obsessed, etc. There's enough empathy in him, as well as a true desire to not return to SHIELD, to accept. 

Of course Natasha follows him. Where he leads, she will go – or maybe it's the other way around. Doesn't matter. 

Both of them give Tony their addresses and he promises to make moving arrangements soon. "Maybe even today but first, I hear Fury wants us gathered upstairs for some sort of announcement."

Clint leads the way to Conference Room 3014A and hesitates when Fury looks at him strangely. He looks almost nervous to see Clint which is very odd. But he doesn't speak until the five members of the Avengers Initiative currently on earth are seated.

"Sometimes, in the heat of battle, decisions are made that seem totally necessary at the time. This is the first time I've regretted a lie."

Tony snorts at this comment but Fury ignores it, mostly because he won't stop staring at Clint. That odd, nervous expression is back again and Clint suddenly feels cold.

"Even if it wasn't completely a lie at the time; Agent Coulson – Phil – did die and the medics did call it. But they also revived him. Five different times over the next two days."

"You bastard," Natasha whispers and Fury closes his eye briefly.

"I'm sorry," he says and he seems sincere. "But it wasn't my call to make and I couldn't… there was nothing to guarantee he would live those first few weeks and he only gave me permission to tell you yesterday."

"Is he here?" Steve asks and Fury nods. 

"He was flown back to SHIELD five days ago; our doctors are caring for him. He's not fully recovered but he's getting there."

"Can we see him?" 

Clint isn't sure who asked that and he doesn't actually care. He stands up, hands tight in fists against his side, replaying one sentence over and over in his mind. ' _He only gave me permission to tell you yesterday._ '

"Tony?" Clint says, ignoring everything else, "does JARVIS have that information yet?"

"Sure," Tony replies and Clint nods in relief.

"I'm going there now, if that's all right with you."

"Sure, Barton," Tony said, looking confused but not asking for clarification. 

"Clint, are you sure?" Steve asks and Clint can't look at him. Unlike Tony, Steve knows about Phil-and-Clint and right now he doesn't want to look at Steve or Fury or even Nat. All of them know so Clint only watches Tony. No one moves to prevent him from leaving. Lucky for them. 

 

A stunning redhead who isn't Natasha is waiting for him at Stark Tower. He recognizes her of course, and Clint extends his hand to greet Pepper Potts officially. 

"Mr. Barton," she says and Clint rolls his eyes.

"Clint, please," he tells her.

"Bruce and Steve have already picked out their locations and modified some of Tony's plans. I would like to give you the same options, if you have time."

Time he has plenty of currently and this is something positive to latch onto besides the burning anger that threatens to overwhelm him. For three months he thought Phil dead. He's grieved and cried and accepted it. He hated it, but Clint never considered the fact that Phil might have lived. He knew how Clint felt – and how much Clint hates not being able to trust someone. So the idea that Phil actually lived never crossed his mind. The man he loved wouldn't have done that.

He glances at the plans and tries to concentrate on what Pepper discusses with him but Clint doesn't have any input. He doesn't care where he's going to live. Then Pepper mentions a gymnasium, a swimming pool and a range and Clint very politely asks if he has access to those things.

 

He spends the next forty-eight hours there, eating whatever food Natasha brings him and catching cat naps in dark corners. 

Tony and Pepper find him still on the range the following day and both of them are… squirmy, for lack of a better word. "We hired a mover and brought your things over," Tony tells him. "When we directed them to unpack in your room, we hit a snag."

"What was that?" Clint asks.

"Your closet," Pepper tells him and Clint glances away from the punching bag to meet her eyes. She's dressed Tony for years, and probably enough other men and it couldn't have taken her but seconds to look at all the suits that came over with Clint's things and figure out who they belonged to.

"Oh." Clint says and turns back to the bag.

"Barton," Tony begins and Clint punches the bag harder.

"A week ago I would have separated out the clothing that wasn't obviously yours and put them into storage," Pepper says. "But now… should I return them to the apartment or leave them in your suite?"

"I can't wear them," Clint tells her.

"I'm not a divorce lawyer," Tony says. "The clothes are obvious but what about all the other stuff? I don't know how to divide it."

"Assuming it needs divided at all," Pepper inserts carefully.

"Well, I wasn't married so it works out that you're not a lawyer," Clint tells him. But it's not something that Pepper or Tony should have to deal with and Clint knows that. Sighing, he removes the gloves and tape, then picks up his shirt from the floor, wiping off some of the sweat with it – buying himself time to compose what needs said. "Fury is going to want a liaison on site, isn't he? Why don't you send all the stuff from the apartment to whatever suite Coulson chooses and all of his suits. Just leave me the rest of the clothes and I'll pick out my stuff."

"You don't want anything from the apartment?" Pepper asks and Clint shakes his head no. Tony opens his mouth but Pepper restrains his comment with only a touch. Their glance at each other speaks volumes and Clint flinches – he used to have that kind of camaraderie.

 

It has taken two days to work through all the emotions flaying him, but Clint settles on anger. Phil let him think he was dead as if the last five years meant nothing. As if Clint wouldn't have supported him – as if Clint would have walked away because he was injured. He made Fury lie about it – and Clint knows that's the truth because he recognized the guilty expression Fury gave him more than once. It had been hard to place because Fury wasn't one to feel guilt so it was incredibly foreign to see that look.

Clint spent too many years letting other people make important decisions for him. Not anymore.

 

He takes missions for other SHIELD handlers, with and without the team. Every time he returns to New York he finds something has changed in his suite; the bed's been slept in, the arrowhead he found in Tanzania is on his desk, the suit Phil picked out for him is back in his closet.

The team is nervous and edgy when the two of them are in the same room so Clint hides his anger. They are thrilled Phil lived and he can read it in every expression Pepper has, in what Natasha tells him over the phone while he's on missions and missing team events, or in the way Steve smiles when Phil gets flustered.

So Clint keeps his anger to himself and plays nice but never lets Phil near him.

Eventually Phil stops trying during the day.

Only two people can sneak into his bed without him waking and Clint hates the fact Phil uses this to his advantage. He wakes to find himself snuggled against Phil, wrapped up tight in the most comforting embrace he's ever known. Clint falls out of his own bed in his hurry to escape. 

He tries sleeping in the air ducts but Phil finds him the moment he drifts off and Clint wakes to discover Phil twisted uncomfortably on the grate, wrapped in Clint's arms and shivering. Clint goes back to sleeping in his bed again. He tries changing the passcode into his suite but nothing deters Phil from joining him at night.

Six nights of this and Clint hates the fact that he's slept better this past week than he's slept in the past four months.

The seventh morning everything changes.

Clint wakes to Phil mumbling in his sleep and Clint knows those sounds; the soft moans that tease at his memory and Phil rolls over, still mostly asleep and Clint isn't surprised by the press of Phil's cock against his hip. "Clint," he whispers, fingers moving deftly to Clint's half-hard dick and wrapping around it, tugging and pulling while he shifts and thrusts against Clint's body.

He doesn't move, barely even breathes, and watches Phil, who is still mostly asleep and having a sex dream, jack him. Phil doesn't wake until they're both coming, Clint's name on his lips, and stares at Clint, wide-eyed and nervous, the smell of come permeating everything.

Clint stares back – for too long - then rolls out of bed, locking the bathroom door behind him. He falls into the shower and Phil is gone when he gets out, the bed already stripped.

Clint takes a mission for Sitwell that afternoon and doesn't come back for ten days. He gets back in the middle of the night and wakes up alone. He's not disappointed – he's _not_.

The team has taken to eating breakfast together and they all greet Clint with smiles when he stumbles into the kitchen to join them. Phil doesn't speak to him but serves him juice and oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon while Steve and Tony discuss Tolkien and Clint feels like he's in another world.

Natasha beats the crap out of him that afternoon while Tony heckles but Stark doesn't get in the ring with her. Then he and Natasha take Steve down and keep him down and Tony isn't laughing anymore, just staring wide eyed while Phil watches with a proud expression.

He wakes the next morning to heat along his entire front. Phil is awake, Clint can tell by his breathing pattern, and rubbing his ass against Clint's hard cock. "Please," he murmurs and pushes harder.

Groaning, Clint reaches around to pull Phil against him, pressing their bare skin together, rubbing hard, letting his dick slide up and down the crack of Phil's ass, shuddering at how good it feels. He's missed this so much.

"Inside me, Clint. Please." The thing is, Phil doesn't like being penetrated and Clint's only done it a handful of times over the years. He shakes his head no against Phil's back and Phil whines. "Please, I need you." He gives Clint a container of lube and says please one more time.

Instead, Clint slides away, ignoring the awful sounds Phil makes as they separate, and yanks Phil onto his back. He reaches between his legs and slips two fingers inside himself and Phil stops breathing while he watches. Then he's settling above Phil, guiding Phil's cock into his body as Clint pushes down until Phil is fully buried inside him.

"Clint," Phil whispers, fingers trailing across his body, touching scars and muscles and practically worshipping Clint's body as they move together.

"Don't come yet," Phil begs even as he fills Clint's body. "I want you to come inside me," confusing Clint for a moment until Phil is pushing him off and falling between Clint's legs to suck him into his mouth. He swallows all of it and Clint can't stop staring at him.

It's the first time Clint doesn't run from the bed. Instead, trembling, he pulls Phil up against him and wraps his arms around Phil and they fall back asleep, Clint's nose buried in the short hairs at the nape of Phil's neck.

They're barely talking outside of missions yet and Clint is still angry, but things begin to change after that. Phil sits by him during breakfast and Natasha begins to smile at Phil again. Pepper includes Clint in the morning conversations she has every day with Phil and he gets to know Phil's best friend who doesn't work for SHIELD. 

Phil isn't back to active duty and Clint's not sure he'll ever be able to return to field duty again, but he runs the ops from the tower and liaisons with SHIELD for every mission. Clint still takes his advice in the field because JARVIS can tap into every camera in the world, it seems, and sometimes Phil can see things more clearly than Clint – which is strange to adapt to.

Phil's suits begin to migrate back to Clint's closet and Clint doesn't say anything to stop it. He takes another mission with Sitwell and this time he returns in the middle of the afternoon, as soon as medical releases him. Limping to his room, Clint asks JARVIS to locate Phil.

"He's in a meeting with Ms. Potts, Agent Barton. Would you like to me to let him know you've returned?"

"Sure," Clint says and falls into his bed. He wakes thirty minutes later with Phil's hands on his back, gently rubbing his sore shoulders.

"What can I do?" he asks and Clint points to his right leg.

"Hurts," he mumbles and Phil snorts with laughter but obligingly moves the massage south. 

"Can you stay?" Clint mumbles into the pillow and Phil stops moving.

"Of course," he says, voice trembling, and settles on the bed, pressing his body against Clint's.

He wakes hours later to find Phil, still in a suit, asleep and wrapped tight in Clint's embrace. He kisses Phil until he opens his eyes and they stare at each other.

"Hi," Clint says and Phil just grins at him, his fingers carding through Clint's hair and down his back.

"Make love to me?" Phil whispers and Clint nods. Phil stands between Clint's legs and the two of them slowly take off Phil's suit. 

It's not until Clint's inside him that he listens to what Phil's been muttering the whole time. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, Clint. I love you. You're my world and I shouldn't have lied about what happened. I was so scared though. I was worried you'd quit if I couldn't work for SHIELD. I didn't want to make you choose between me and the Avengers. I didn't want to burden you with this."

Clint can't say the words 'I forgive you' so he lets his body speak for him. Phil is moaning and trembling and so ready for orgasm. 

"I can't stop loving you, you know," Clint whispers and Phil's breath hitches, his eyes bright with unshed tears, as he comes. It sends Clint over the edge as well and the two of them don't move after that, Phil snuggling into Clint's embrace.

"Don’t do that again, Coulson."

"I won't," Phil whispers back, turning his head to seal the bargain with a kiss. "Thank you, Clint, for taking me back."

Clint snorts with laughter at that, "As if I had a choice. You're pretty stubborn yourself." Then, for the first time, he touches the scar on Phil's chest and leans in to kiss it. "I wouldn't have left you because of this."

"I'm sorry," Phil says again and Clint shrugs. They're not one hundred percent yet, but it will be.


End file.
